so that i may be driven to better
My strides are small, despite my size
Stretches of concrete cushion my soles
Pride by pride, my foot drops its weight
To where abounding, I still do not know
Empathy, the choice expression I wear
Fooling the acquaintances of my days surrounding
Smaller and smaller the flame is dying
Apathy slowly slowly wears, darkness abounding
Shallow, at least, begins to describe
The portion of grin sitting upon my face
When did my soul twist and ache
How did my feet wander into this broken place
But in the heart of hearts, there beckons deeply,
A voice of thunder, that shatters all sound
The Father speaks, His voice so calming
And so my soul, breaks down down down
My heart hard and brittle, He pours over water
Slowly, smoothly, shaping with certainty
I dare not call myself a master piece
But I am indeed a piece made by The Master
My own value held not in the material
Instead appraised through the Artist’s intent
And so, I will continue to walk, encouraged again
And continue my journey home next to Him
What qualities must I possess to be like you
The world falls at your feet and adores
Yet I stand here feeling rejected and ashamed
I am not perfect in anyway
Soft and gentle your whisper is a hurricane
I scream at the top of my lungs and still no one came
A square piece unable to enter the circle
I simply do not fit
How can I possibly compare to those you gifted
As I struggle to stand in high hopes to join
But my heart does not enter into your throne
My body is here but my soul is alone
My soul yearns and can not fathom your grace
It attempts to grasp at the endless darkness
Still I’ll wait with an open heart
Gathering pieces don’t mind me
I’m just falling apart…
I’ve never really been one to be vocal about my opinion on social issues. The truth is, I was raised conservative, and for most of my life I was told to keep my head down and obey. While this may remain true for certain aspects of my life, I have recently been convicted to ask for more. It seems counter-intuitive to create issues of the heart to wrestle with, but I think as a believer, I can’t sit and wait.
What I mean by that is, why bring up issues into my life that were not of my concern before? Why should I create more things to keep me up at night, or even what could I possibly do? As I’ve come to gain maturity in my habits and day to day disciplines, I’ve come to discover a lack in other aspects of my life. I was once bold enough to ask God to give me a heart for the nations. I asked God for the burden to be placed upon my heart, so that I may take action in some form. But as I’ve grown older, I’ve become increasingly colder. When was the last time I prayed for something that was beyond my immediate social circles? When was it that I cried out for a circumstance or situation beyond my view?
With the recent events in Charlottesville, I can’t help but begin wondering how much do I truly love God if I don’t have compassion for his people? If my understanding of His love is true, should not my heart cry out for those whom have been affected? My calling here is humble but in faith. Help us to have compassion for those who are hurt.
I was recently encouraged by a member of the church to pray for the recent events that occurred in Charlottesville. My hesitation came when I thought to myself, these events have not impacted me nearly as much as it has some of those around me. However, is it my fault that I don’t care? The simple answer is yes. My apathy reveals an aspect of the heart that I so often shrug off as nothing. The truth is, God calls us to something greater, to encourage each other, and to spur one another on.
I don’t believe that I am alone in the issue. If you have taken the time to read this thus far and understand this feeling, I urge you to ask God for a bigger heart. To ask God for a compassion for others and a deeper understanding of his love for others. God desires for us to fellowship with one another, and to love each other as He loves us. And for those brothers and sisters who continue to faithfully pray and intercede for those who are suffering, I thank you for encouraging an ignorant brother like me to follow after our Father’s heart.
Fear drives my heart from showing care
I am divided by rejection
Where does my fear come from?
Logos it is not
Move on beyond the shallowness of this
Brokenness can be mended
But where can I go from here?
Somewhere out there
Overthinking and over-analyzing, be calm
Hesitation may set in
Have my pieces formed yet?
I am not yet complete
Take hold of Love, for Love casts out fear
Love for the sake of Love
Have I loved for tomorrow?
Pour out, for He poured out.
I have never gone to lands far away
Nor have I walked through gray skies on hills
Magnificent and majestic
But I have seen the world
Skies disturbed by light, surround
Hues of sunrise beaches, resting in my heart
Still I have not traveled very far
But I have seen the world
Moonlit canvas dotted white
Gleaming rivers, reflecting beauty
Yet to see a fire die
But I have seen the world
Screens connecting worlds unknown
Vast in beauty pictures display
Wishes, dreams, hope to go
But I have seen the world
If I were to somehow perish
In the darkness in my slumber
I would have no regret
For I have seen the world
The world is You and You alone
Complete and loved I come before
You are all that I will ever need
Because You are my world
There was once two men crossing paths on a road. One who had lived his life in wisdom and goodness, while the other through ignorance and circumstance.
The man dressed dignified began to think to himself, “Too often I live in my own shoes. But then again why not? It’s comfortable here despite my flaws.I may not be rich but I’m still far from poor. I work diligently, sometimes, and speak not against my enemies because quite frankly, I have none. I enjoy myself.. I have the choice of buying what I desire, not necessarily limited by my means. Truly my life is good.”
When he saw the man in tattered clothing his path veered away. “But you? Who are you? Look at those shoes you’re wearing. What’s wrong with you? You are dirty. You are ugly despite not even seeing your face. Your stench is that of defecation. Even dogs turn away from you. You are disgusting and you defile me with your presence. If you beg me, perhaps I will consider helping you.”
As the other man sensed his own shame, he dared not look at the approaching man. But out of a great desire his voice came forth, weak and mild.
“Please, just a chance. I look down so I may not offend your face and I come before you with no expectation. There is little I have done right and infinitely more I have done wrong. I come in faith in humanity begging as humbly as I can. Will you listen to me me for a moment?”
In response, the man spit on the ground and a deep anger arose, “You are filthy. Even your breath invokes within me a deep hatred for you. What is it you want from me? I have nothing to spare, no food or water to give.”
The tattered man replied, “Food or water I have no need. I have just come back from the direction you are headed and surely your desire is not there. I plead you not to go.”
“You ignorant fool. My home is in that direction and all that I love is waiting for me. Although you may have nothing of worth there, I have abundance. I need not hear from your worthless talk.”
“Sir if I may, I have heard of a land much greater than the one I have come from. There was a Gentleman who spoke of it’s greatness. A life of abundance beyond measure and of joy none can fathom. I have come from where you are going and truly I tell you there is nothing there.”
“Your words offend and mock me. I do not know this man you speak of and of what significance does he have to me? What is it that you, have that I don’t? From your head to your toes you are a pathetic sight for any eyes. If you weren’t so foolish, I would have given you some money and let you on your way. Now you waste my time. Leave me alone and be on your way.”
Grabbing his leg the man begged one last time, “Do not go down that road. There is nothing there. It leads to an emptiness that you do not yet understand nor will you ever understand. I have been down that road in my unwisdom. If I offend you so much, I will let you walk ahead of me so that I may be out of your sight.”
Kicking off the man in disgust, the well dressed man replied, “You must shut up and cease your lies. You know not of who I am and where I am from. I am better than you in all aspects. Clearly you have gone insane and need more than any help I may offer you. Continue down your path of madness and leave me be.”
The man stormed off in a rage. He would soon be feasting in his home sharing his encounter with his friends about the pathetic beggar. His thoughts soon became his own once again and he chuckled at his imagination of the tattered man’s envy and jealousy for his life. “Surely he wishes he was in my shoes.”
Still in the distance, the tattered man looked longingly at the man walking away, he could not help but feel guilt and shame. He felt humbled and humiliated. By the standards of society, he held no value. He was worth less than all, he was worthless. But as he looked into the distance of the silhouette of the man living in ignorance and circumstance, he felt sorrow for the emptiness to come. The man in tattered clothing came to know wisdom and goodness. He came to know where to go. Although he himself had many doubts of making his journey, he would continue on in faith. He prayed as he walked, “Surely if you are a God of mercy, he will soon walk in my shoes.”
We are on a path towards one of two destinations. Often times it is difficult to remember which direction is home. It may even be impossible at times. I would be wrong in saying that I am either one of these men because I am in fact both. I have days where I am more one than the other.
They say that home is where the heart is. Where is my heart? Is my heart with You? Or is my heart elsewhere? Am I going to the right home?
As I came upon the edge of the abyss, preparing to jump into the darkness. I hesitated and found myself in a state of examination. Anger welled up within me, beckoning a shout with a fist clenched towards heaven.
“Do you ever think of me?”
Because sometimes I think of how you never do…
“Do you ever listen to me sing?”
Because sometimes I feel like I’m just singing to myself…
“Do you ever ask me how things are?”
Because there’s a lot of times when I am overwhelmed…
“Do you ever consider me when you do what you do?”
Because at times I feel forgotten…
And as I stood hoping for a response, I drenched my heart once again in despair. This despair holds me tightly, its grip drains my soul. I am accustomed to the shadows, and as a result my heart is cold. I abandon the cause and prepare to let go. There is nothing that can give me hope.
“Let me go now in peace, and later you can gather the pieces.”
And in the distance I heard a soft whisper fade.
I did not want to hear what the voice was whispering. I had had enough of its enigmatic phrases. I chose not to listen or attempt to hear its words. Please leave me alone. I do not need you.
When to my surprise the voice thundered through the sky. It said simply one word.
“LISTEN”
The world stood still, in full surrender. Fear overcame me, even my body refusing to tremble. A gentle voice, soft and rich, spoke and began to envelop my being.
“I have loved you long before you understood when.
I have covered you and know your heart’s ways.
I left the door open for you, and all you had to do was simply walk through.
I took the shame and sorrow that would have kept you in the darkness,
I took all this pain in suffering and in sadness, yet you shift your focus onto the madness that is sin.
I have loved you since the day I felt your heart.
I have loved you since I made the stars.
Starry-eyed and mystified, is how you hoped on me.
I have not forgotten the day you came and accepted me.
I will never forget the day you came and accepted me.
Your life holds more meaning than what it has, held until right now
Your value in the wood that was pierced and settled in holy ground
The crown of the victor represents you and all My glory
Salvation that sets you a part, holy, completed by sacrifice, wholly
Rise up kingdom worshiper and advance My kingdom on forward
For you are mine forever and forever only”
I stood reflecting on the words that rebuked me. Encouraging me to go and push on forward. And so I stand on the edge of the abyss, preparing my heart for the kingdom to come.
Beyond my understanding my flaws are blind to her
I fail her over and over yet she insists on me again
Love undeserved and continuously perplexing my heart
I ignore her despite knowing she sees all that I do
Waves of ignorance engulf my decisions
You don’t understand and you can’t understand
But she knows and still through pain smiles
Eyes wide piercing my soul I can only turn away
Attempts to break up but impossible to ignore
How can one split something indefinite?
How could I possibly live without fault and choose to leave…
How could I possibly be the person she wants me to be
I’m small and of little worth
Yet she holds my heart and fills it with life
Live and love she whispers as I have loved you
Beyond my understanding my flaws are fully understood by her…
She is Grace.
There are days when i feel as if i dont belong. What brings about this feeling of disconnect? Is it a reminder that where i am is only temporary or is it that i am temporary? A sense and desire for more from my life and from myself.
A longing and cry for an empathetic heart. A desire for words unspoken eclipsed by loud actions. Needless gestures and straight to the heart. Yearning for peace to instill a beat in the lifeless heart. What can i do but hope more or decrease my expectations and hope less or was it hopeless.
I being who i am have taken upon the duty and role. But my selfish heart desires to survive. Do i die to myself or die from myself? Shall i ignore the pain that dwells, let it fester until bitterness reveals its lurking head?
I stand and wait, i do not knock for i dare not be impolite. I will remain and wait, in hopes that by chance the door will open. Care not now for you did not before. Life will remain unchanged, if not for me, at least for you.